I’ve got news to report to you. But first, let me tell you about my new fascination with dumping coconut oil into the blackest of black coffee available to me. I take said coffee and drop a tablespoon of greasy coconut oil into it and then I drink it. Some of us about these parts fancy to drop a stick or two of butter into said beverage. However, I am not at that level just yet. For now, I remain steadfast in my belief that this concoction of greasy blackness will continue to provide me with the energy of a rabid animal.
After I devour the contents of the prescription mentioned above, I head to the gym and try to give myself a hernia. My muscles are as hard as concrete cinderblocks and I can crush your jaws into dust with just a singular punch.
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In other news, as Chairman of the iBankCoin Reserve, regrettably, the time has come to raise rates on all premium services on iBankCoin, effective midnight on 12/31/13. As you know, our suite of products, The PPT, 12631 and After Hours with Option Addict, are significantly discounted compared to our peers, who are inferior by all measures.
DO NOT PANIC, for current members will be “grandfathered in” at the olde fashioned, miserly, rates.
The new, and very affordable, cost for all the above products will be as follows:
Monthly: $59.95
Semi-Annual: $299.95
Annual: $459.95
As you can see, I’ve been very generous to you all by keeping rates low for an extended period of time, giving the economy a chance to rebound. However, all good things come to an end and the good folks at iBC have an Orbital Space Cannon (OSC) to develop (for offensive purposes only). While some of my “competitors” like to flaunt about the Caribbean amidst diamonds and fast automobiles, I remain stoically reserved in my chambers planning world domination.
I give many thanks to the thousands of people who’ve joined our army over the years and appeal to your good nature to accept this news with a grain of salt. Be quick about joining our ranks and lock in the low, miserly, rates now– and you too might galavant about 5 star hotels and lavish your lady friends with minks and other fine items, all bequeathed to you by the brain trust at iBankCoin, working under slavish conditions for the benefit of mankind.